In the Cave

I wanted to share more about why I am here in Maui and not in Scotland. When I was home in Oregon over Christmas, some people asked me very bluntly why I was in Maui when I have so confidently said I am called to Scotland - that it is my home.
I was a bit taken aback, but since not everyone can see the thoughts of my heart and my mind, I realized it was a valid question I hadn’t really been able to answer in the summer before I left for Maui. I just knew I wasn’t supposed to go back to Scotland yet like I had planned. So… I left. Sometimes the “knowing” is hard for me to communicate.

As I sat in that office trying to figure out how to explain, Holy Spirit reminded me of the story of Elijah in1 Kings 19 after Elijah had been on Mount Carmel with the prophets of Baal. He had just called down the fire of God, watched an impossible thing happen, and then slaughtered 450 men. It was quite the day. As if that wasn’t enough, immediately after a stunning victory, an insane queen puts a bounty on his head. He was running through the countryside, worn out and afraid for his life. And he just couldn’t take it anymore.

He literally said, “I have had enough, Lord.” and took a nap.

The Lord let him sleep. In fact, God sent an angel to make Elijah food so that he could rest and prepare himself for what the Lord had for him next. God then sent Elijah on a journey to a cave where he would encounter the Presence of God in a beautiful way. After another nap. In that place of seclusion, 40 days-far from where Elijah “should” have been, he met with God and was shown where he was to go.

One thing I love about this story is the way the Lord took care of His friend. Instead of saying, “Get yourself up off that floor and get back to work”, Papa God fed him. When Elijah got to the cave, God didn’t say, “Why did you come ALL the way out here?! This isn’t what a prophet is supposed to be doing. You’re supposed to be brave and strong and delivering the Word of the Lord to these stiff-necked people.”
Instead He just asked, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

In the cave, Elijah pours out his heart — the grief, anger, humiliation, the loneliness, the exhaustion. “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty (read: I’ve done everything you’ve told me to because I love You). The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword (I’ve watched my friends die, the ones who stood by me, encouraged me, worshiped the Lord with me). I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.” I’ve had enough, Lord.

The Lord didn’t say anything. He just showed Elijah that He was there. God wasn’t in the magnificent displays of power. He was in the gentle whisper of the breeze, and His gentleness moved Elijah deeper into the heart of his God. The Lord reassures Elijah that he wasn’t alone, his purpose wasn’t through. Elijah just needed space to be honest, to grieve, process, gain perspective, and take some naps so he could continue on in his ministry.

That’s how I felt at the end of the summer — “I’ve had enough, Lord.” This last year was the hardest one of my life. There’s no sugar coating it. It was supposed to be a beautiful year of promises and desires fulfilled, a stepping stone to an incredible life of adventure with someone else in a nation I love so dearly. It was more than just emotions. I felt I had the word of the Lord to get married. And in just a couple of excruciating and devastating months, all of that got ripped out from under me. I was a wreck, an exhausted puddle of hurt and tears and disappointment.

I desperately wanted to go back to Scotland in September because that’s where I thought I was supposed to be. I was scared when I realized that Jesus was saying “not yet” — what would I say to supporters? To Seamill? To my church and my friends? What if I had messed everything up? What if I had heard the voice of the Lord wrong this whole time and I was just making it all up?

But He was insistent, and I had to say yes. Instead of letting me go back to a place I wasn’t ready to face, He brought me to this beautiful island where I could heal and rest and just be with Him. I’ve gone to such deep places of grief and pain but also beauty with Him. He has taken me to those places in such gentle ways, just like how He showed Himself to Elijah through the breeze. I am so thankful for this season at YWAM Maui. I can’t even begin to describe to you the work Jesus has done in my heart. I thought He brought me here for healing, but He brought me here for wholeness.

He is so faithful and so good. I wish I had better words but He is beyond words. He has restored hope and joy and vision. He’s taken me to depths of intimacy with Him which only makes me hungry for more. He’s built confidence in me that I’ve never had. He’s answered questions I was scared to ask. He’s pursued me, wooed me, and made me fall more and more in love with Him.

Now, with just 6 weeks left here on Maui, I feel the Lord beginning the transition in me from rest and healing to rest and preparation for life and ministry in Scotland. And I haven’t been this excited in a long time!

Psalm 25:1–5
Forever I will lift up my soul into your presence, Lord.
Be there for me, God, for I keep trusting in you.
Don’t allow my foes to gloat over me or the shame of defeat to overtake me.
For how could anyone be disgraced when he has entwined his heart with you?
But they will all be defeated and ashamed when they harm the innocent.
Lord, direct me throughout my journey so I can experience your plans for my life.
Reveal the life-paths that are pleasing to you.
Escort me along the way; take me by the hand and teach me.
For you are the God of my increasing salvation;
I have wrapped my heart into yours!